酷兔英语



POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

BOOKS BY

MONTAGUE GLASS

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

WORRYING WON'T WIN

HARPER & BROTHERS NEW YORK

[ESTABLISHED 1817]

[Illustration: "he gives himself dead away by getting sore."]

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

_by_

MONTAGUE GLASS

_Author of "Worrying Won't Win"_

Harper & Brothers Publishers

New York and London

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

Copyright, 1919, by Harper & Brothers

Printed in the United States of America

Published September, 1919

CONTENTS

CHAP. PAGE

I. THEY ARRIVE, AND SO DOES THE PRESIDENT 1

II. SETTLING THE PRELIMINARIES 15

III. THE PRESIDENT'S VISIT TO ENGLAND 24

IV. EVERYTHING IS PROCEEDING SATISFACTORILY--MAYBE 33

V. THIS HERE PEACE CONFERENCE--IT NEEDS PUBLICITY 42

VI. JOINING THE LEGION OF HONOR 52

VII. SOME CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENTS FOR THE KAISER 62

VIII. IT ENTERS ON ITS NO-GOLD-CASKET PHASE 72

IX. WORRYING SHOULD BEGIN AT HOME, AIN'T IT? 82

X. THE NEW HUNGARIAN RHAPSODY 92

XI. IT IS STILL UP IN THE AIR, BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THE SAME

FOR TRANSATLANTIC VOYAGES 102

XII. THIS HERE VICTORY LIBERTY LOAN 112

XIII. WHEN IS A SECRET TREATY SECRET? 122

XIV. THE FIRST DAY OF MAY 132

XV. THE PEACE TREATY AS GOOD READING 142

XVI. THE GERMAN ROMAN HOLIDAY AND THE AMERICANIZATION OF

AMERICANS 152

XVII. MR. WILSON'S FAVOR OF THE 20TH ULTO. AND CONTENTS NOTED 162

XVIII. BEING UP IN THE AIR, AS APPLIED TO TRANSATLANTIC

FLIGHTS, CROWN JEWELS, AND LEAGUE OF NATIONS SPEECHES 172

XIX. THE LEAK AND OTHER MYSTERIES 182

XX. JULY THE FIRST AND AFTER 192

XXI. WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS, ECONOMICALLY AND THEATRICALLY 202

XXII. THEY DISCUSS THE SIGNING OF IT 212

XXIII. THE RECENT UNPLEASANTNESS IN TOLEDO, OHIO 222

XXIV. FEEDING THE PEACE CONFERENCERS AND THE HOUSEHOLD 232

XXV. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? THIS INCLUDES

LIBELED MILLIONAIRES, ENFORCED PROHIBITION, AND 241

SHANTUNG

XXVI. THE APPROACHING ROYAL VISIT 251

ILLUSTRATIONS

"HE GIVES HIMSELF DEAD AWAY BY GETTING SORE" _Frontispiece_

"I WOULDN'T BLAME CHAIRMAN CLEMENCEAU NEITHER,

BECAUSE IF THIS HERE PEACE CONFERENCE IS GOING

TO END THIS SIDE OF NINETEEN-FIFTY, IT'S GOT

TO BE SPEEDED UP SOME" _Facing p._ 44

"A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE IS SO BADLY PREDICTED

TO THE LAPEL-BUTTON HABIT THEY WOULD JOIN

ANYTHING" " 52

"... WHICH WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT MR. WILSON

STARTED IN--IN A SMALL WAY" " 144

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER SETTLE THINGS

I

THEY ARRIVE, AND SO DOES THE PRESIDENT

"_Nu_, what's the matter _now_?" Morris Perlmutter asked, as he entered

the office one morning after the cessation of hostilities on the western

front.

"_Ai, tzuris!_" Abe moaned in reply, and for at least a minute he

continued to rock to and fro in his chair and to make incoherent noises

through his nostrils in the manner of a person suffering either from

toothache or the recent cancelation of a large order.

"It serves you right," Morris said. "I told you you shouldn't eat that

liberty roast at Wasserbauer's yesterday. It used to give you the

indigestion when it was known as _Koenigsburger Klops_, which it is like

the German Empire now calling itself the German Republic; changing its

name ain't going to alter its poisonousdisposition none."

"That's right!" Abe said. "Make jokes, why don't you? You are worser as

this here feller Zero."

"What feller Zero?" Morris demanded.

"Zero the emperor what fiddled when Rome was burning," Abe replied.

"He's got nothing on you. _You_ would fiddle if Rome, Watertown, and

Ogdensburg was burning."

"I don't know what you are talking about at all," Morris said. "And,

besides, the feller's name was Nero, not Zero."

"That's what you say," Abe commented, "which you also said that the

operators was only bluffing and that they wouldn't strike on us in a

thousand years, and considering that you said this only yesterday,

Mawruss, it's already wonderful how time flies."

"Well," Morris said, "how could I figure that them lunatics is going to

pick out the time when we've got practically no work for them and was

going to fire them, anyway, to call a strike on us?"

"You should _ought_ to have figured that way," Abe declared. "Didn't the

Kaiser abdicate just before them Germans got ready to kick him out?"

"The king business ain't the garment business," Morris observed.

"I know it ain't," Abe agreed. "Kings has got their worries, too, but

when it comes to laying awake nights trying to figure out whether them

designers somewheres in France is going to turn out long, full skirts or

short, narrow skirts for the fall and winter of nineteen-nineteen and

nineteen-twenty, Mawruss, I bet yer the entire collection of kings,

active or retired, doesn't got to take two grains of trional between

them."

"If everybody worried like _you_ do, Abe," Morris said, "the government

would got to issue sleeping-powder cards like sugar cards and limit the

consumption of sleeping-powders to not more than two pounds of

sleeping-powders per person per month in each household."

"Well, some one has got to do the worrying around here, Mawruss," Abe

said, "which if it rested with you, y'understand, we could make up a

line of samples for next season that wouldn't be no more like Paris

designs than General Pershing looks like his pictures in the magazines."

"Say, for that matter," Morris said, "we are just as good guessers as

our competitors; on account the way things is going nowadays, nobody is

going to try to make a trip to Paris to get fashion designs, because if

he figured on crossing the ocean to buy model gowns for the fall and

winter of nineteen-nineteen and nineteen-twenty, y'understand, between

the time that he applied for his passport and the time the government

issued it to him, y'understand, it would already be the spring and

summer season of nineteen-twenty-four and nineteen-twenty-five. So the

best thing we could do is to snoop round among the trade, and whatever

we find the majority is making up for next year, we would make up the

same styles also, and that's all there would be _to_ it."

"We wouldn't do nothing of the kind," Abe declared. "I've been thinking

this thing over, and I come to the conclusion that it's up to you to go

over to Paris and see what is going on over there."

"I don't got to go to Paris for that, Abe," Morris said. "I can read the

papers the same like anybody else, and just so long as there is a chance

that the war would start up again and them hundred-mile guns is going to

resume operations, I am content to get my ideas of Paris styles at a

distance of three thousand miles if I never sold another garment as long

as I live."

"But when it _was_ working yet, it only went off every twenty minutes,"

Abe said.

"I don't care if it went off every Fourth of July," Morris said,

"because if I went over there it would be just my luck that the peace

nogotiations falls through and the Germans invent a gun leaving

Frankfort ever hour on the hour and arriving in Paris daily, including

Sundays, without leaving enough trace of me to file a proof of death

with. Am I right or wrong?"

"All right," Abe said. "If _that's_ the way you feel about it, _I_ will

go to Paris."

"_You_ will go to Paris?" Morris exclaimed.

"Sure!" Abe declared. "The operators is on strike, business is rotten,

and I'm sick and tired of paying life-insurance premiums, _anyway_.

Besides, if Leon Sammet could get a passport, why couldn't I?"

"You mean to say that faker is going to Paris to buy model gowns?"

Morris demanded.

"I seen him on the Subway this morning, and the way he talked about how

easy he got his passport, you would think that every time he was in

Washington with a line of them masquerade costumes which Sammet Brothers

makes up, if he didn't stop in and take anyhow a bit of lunch with the

Wilsons, y'understand, the President raises the devil with Tumulty why

didn't he let him _know_ Leon Sammet was in town."

"Then that settles it," Morris declared, reaching for his hat.

"Where are you going?" Abe asked.

"I am going straight down to see Henry D. Feldman and tell that crook he

should get for me a passport," Morris said.

"You wouldn't positively do nothing of the kind," Abe said. "Did you

ever hear the like? Wants to go to a lawyer to get a passport! An idea!"

"Well, who would I go to, then--an osteaopath?" Morris asked.

"Leon Sammet told me all about it," Abe said. "You go down to a place on

Rector Street where you sign an application, and--"

"That's just what I thought," Morris interrupted, "and the least what

happens to fellers which signs applications without a lawyer,

y'understand, is that six months later a truck-driver arrives one

morning and says where should he leave the set of Washington Irving in

one hundred and fifty-six volumes or the piano with stool and scarf

complete, as the case may be. So I am going to see Feldman, and if it

costs me fifteen or twenty dollars, it's anyhow a satisfaction to know

that when you do things with the advice of a smart crooked lawyer,

nobody could put nothing over on you outside of your lawyer."

When Morris returned an hour later, however, instead of an appearance of

satisfaction, his face bore so melancholy an expression that for a few

minutes Abe was afraid to question him.

"_Nu!_" he said at last. "I suppose you got turned down for being

overweight or something?"

"What do you mean--overweight?" Morris demanded. "What do you suppose I

am applying for--a twenty-year endowmentpassport or one of them tontine

passports with cash surrender value after three years?"

"Then what is the matter you look so _rachmonos_?" Abe said.

"How _should_ I look with the kind of partner which I've got it?" Morris

asked. "Paris models he must got to got. Domestic designs ain't good

enough for him. Such high-grade idees he's got, and I've got to suffer

for it yet."

"Well, _don't_ go to Europe. What do _I_ care?" Abe said.

"_We_ must go," Morris replied.

"What do you mean--we?" Abe demanded.

"I mean you and me," Morris said. "Feldman says that just so long as it

is one operation he would charge the same for getting one passport as

for getting two, excepting the government fee of two dollars. So what do

you think--I am going to pay Henry D. Feldman two hundred dollars for

getting me a passport when for two dollars extra I can get one for you

also?"

"But who is going to look after the store?" Abe exclaimed.

"Say!" Morris retorted, "you've got relations _enough_ working around

here, which every time you've hired a fresh one, you've given me this

blood-is-redder-than-water stuff, and now is your chance to prove it. We

wouldn't be away longer as six weeks at the outside, so go ahead, Abe.

Here is the application for the passport. Sign your name on the dotted

line and don't say no more about it."

* * * * *

"Yes, Mawruss," Abe said, three weeks later, as they sat in the

restaurant of their Paris hotel, "in a country where the coffee pretty

near strangles you, even when it's got cream and sugar in it,

y'understand, the cooking has _got_ to be good, because in a

two-dollar-a-day American plan hotel the management figures that no

matter how rotten the food is, the guests will say, 'Well, anyhow, the

coffee was good,' and get by with it _that_ way."

"On the other hand, Abe," Morris suggested, "maybe the French hotel

people figure that if they only make the coffee bad enough, the guests

would say, 'Well, one good thing, while the food is terrible, it ain't a

marker on the coffee.'"

"But the food tastes pretty good to me, Mawruss," Abe said.

"Wait till you've been here a week, Abe," Morris advised him. "Anything

would taste good to you after what you went through on that boat."

"What do you mean--after what _I_ went through?" Abe demanded. "What I

went through don't begin to compare with what you went through, which

honestly, Mawruss, there was times there on that second day out where

you acted so terrible, understand me, that rather as witness such human

suffering again, if any one would of really and truly had your interests

at heart, they would of give a couple of dollars to a steward that he

should throw you overboard and make an end of your misery."

"Is _that_ so!" Morris retorted. "Well, let me tell you something, Abe.

If you think _I_ was in a bad way, don't kid yourself, when you lay

there in your berth for three days without strength enough to take off

even your collar and necktie, y'understand, that the captain said to the

first officer ain't it wonderful what an elegant sailor that Mr. Potash

is or anything _like_ it, understand me, which on more than one occasion

when I seen the way you looked, Abe, I couldn't help thinking of what

chances concerns like the Equ_itta_ble takes when they pass a feller as

A number one on his heart and kidneys, and ain't tried him out on so

much as a Staten Island ferry-boat to see what kind of a traveler he

is."

"Listen, Mawruss," Abe interrupted, "did we come over here paying

first-class fares for practically steerage accommodations to discuss

life insurance, or did we come over here to buy model garments and get

through with it, because believe me, it is no pleasure for me to stick

around a country where you couldn't get no sugar or butter in a hotel,

not if you was to show the head waiter a doctor's certificate with a

hundred-dollar bill pinned on it. So let us go round to a few of these

high-grade dressmakers and see how much we are going to get stuck for,

and have it over with."

Accordingly, they paid for the coffee and milk without sugar and the

dark sour rolls without butter which nowadays form the usual hotel

breakfast in France, and set out for the office of the commission

agent whose place of business is the rendezvous for American

garment-manufacturers in search of Parisian model gowns. The broad

avenues in the vicinity of the hotel seemed unusuallycrowded even to

people as accustomed to the congested traffic of lower Fifth Avenue as

Abe and Morris were, but as they proceeded toward the wholesale district


生词表:
  • unusual [ʌn´ju:ʒuəl] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.不平常的;异常的   (初中英语单词)
  • victory [´viktəri] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.胜利,战胜   (初中英语单词)
  • reading [´ri:diŋ] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.(阅)读;朗读;读物   (初中英语单词)
  • holiday [´hɔlidi] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.假日,假期,节日   (初中英语单词)
  • contents [´kɔ:ntents] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.容纳物;要旨   (初中英语单词)
  • league [li:g] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.同盟;社团   (初中英语单词)
  • prohibition [,prəuhi´biʃən] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.禁止;禁令;禁酒   (初中英语单词)
  • conference [´kɔnfərəns] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.讨论(会);会谈   (初中英语单词)
  • suffering [´sʌfəriŋ] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.痛苦;灾害   (初中英语单词)
  • yesterday [´jestədi] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.&ad.昨天;前不久   (初中英语单词)
  • republic [ri´pʌblik] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.共和国;共和政体   (初中英语单词)
  • disposition [,dispə´ziʃən] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.安排;性情;倾向   (初中英语单词)
  • emperor [´empərə] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.皇帝   (初中英语单词)
  • garment [´gɑ:mənt] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.衣服,外衣   (初中英语单词)
  • collection [kə´lekʃən] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.收集;征收;募捐   (初中英语单词)
  • account [ə´kaunt] 移动到这儿单词发声  vi.说明 vt.认为 n.帐目   (初中英语单词)
  • passport [´pɑ:spɔ:t] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.护照;通行证;执照   (初中英语单词)
  • conclusion [kən´klu:ʒən] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.结束;结论;推论   (初中英语单词)
  • working [´wə:kiŋ] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.工人的;劳动的   (初中英语单词)
  • invent [in´vent] 移动到这儿单词发声  vt.发明;捏造   (初中英语单词)
  • lawyer [´lɔ:jə] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.律师;法学家   (初中英语单词)
  • application [,æpli´keiʃən] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.申请;申请书;应用   (初中英语单词)
  • satisfaction [,sætis´fækʃən] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.满意;满足   (初中英语单词)
  • surrender [sə´rendə] 移动到这儿单词发声  vt.&n.交出;引渡;放弃   (初中英语单词)
  • partner [´pɑ:tnə] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.伙伴 v.同….合作   (初中英语单词)
  • domestic [də´mestik] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.家庭的;本国的   (初中英语单词)
  • charge [tʃɑ:dʒ] 移动到这儿单词发声  v.收费;冲锋 n.费用   (初中英语单词)
  • management [´mænidʒmənt] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.管理;处理;经营   (初中英语单词)
  • witness [´witnis] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.见证人 vt.目击   (初中英语单词)
  • collar [´kɔlə] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.衣领;(狗等的)项圈   (初中英语单词)
  • traffic [´træfik] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.交通,运输   (初中英语单词)
  • proceeding [prə´si:diŋ] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.程序;进程;行动   (高中英语单词)
  • legion [´li:dʒən] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.军团;大批   (高中英语单词)
  • positively [´pɔzətivli] 移动到这儿单词发声  ad.确实;断然;绝对   (高中英语单词)
  • crooked [´krukid] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.弯曲的;畸形的   (高中英语单词)
  • melancholy [´melənkəli] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.忧郁 a.忧郁的   (高中英语单词)
  • rotten [´rɔtn] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.腐烂的;腐朽的   (高中英语单词)
  • steward [´stju:əd] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.管家;服务员   (高中英语单词)
  • elegant [´eligənt] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.文雅的;优美的   (高中英语单词)
  • certificate [sə´tifikət] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.执照;文凭 vt.批准   (高中英语单词)
  • crowded [´kraudid] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.充(拥)满了的   (高中英语单词)
  • poisonous [´pɔizənəs] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.有毒的;讨厌的   (英语四级单词)
  • fiddle [´fidl] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.小提琴 v.拉提琴   (英语四级单词)
  • considering [kən´sidəriŋ] 移动到这儿单词发声  prep.就…而论   (英语四级单词)
  • trying [´traiiŋ] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.难堪的;费劲的   (英语四级单词)
  • subway [´sʌbwei] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.地铁;地道   (英语四级单词)
  • overboard [´əuvəbɔ:d] 移动到这儿单词发声  ad.向船外;到水中   (英语四级单词)
  • necktie [´nektai] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.领带   (英语四级单词)
  • waiter [´weitə] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.侍者,服务员   (英语四级单词)
  • parisian [pə´riziən] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.&a.巴黎人(的)   (英语四级单词)
  • vicinity [vi´siniti] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.邻近,附近,接近   (英语四级单词)
  • unusually [ʌn´ju:ʒuəli] 移动到这儿单词发声  ad.异常地;非常   (英语四级单词)
  • wholesale [´həulseil] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.&vt.批发 a.批发的   (英语四级单词)
  • kaiser [´kaizə] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.皇帝;独裁者   (英语六级单词)
  • applied [ə´plaid] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.实用的,应用的   (英语六级单词)
  • calling [´kɔ:liŋ] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.点名;职业;欲望   (英语六级单词)
  • retired [ri´taiəd] 移动到这儿单词发声  a.退休的;通职的   (英语六级单词)
  • masquerade [,mæskə´reid] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.化装舞会 vi.冒充   (英语六级单词)
  • endowment [in´daumənt] 移动到这儿单词发声  n.捐赠;天才   (英语六级单词)

  • 上传人 欢乐鱼 分享于 2017-06-26 18:22:14
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