WHO WAS WHO 5000 B. C. TO DATE
Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be
Edited by Irwin L. Gordon
THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons who can
produce proper evidence of their demise will be admitted to Who Was Who.
Press Agent notices or complimentary comments are absolutely
and those offering
to pay for the insertion of names will be prosecuted.
As persons become eligible they will be included without solicitation,
while the pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant.
Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or endeavored
to become famous. In a work of such magnitude
Should this be the case, the editor will be glad to receive corrections
from the ex-celebrities or their enemies. These will be accepted gratis.
Proofs will be sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be
able to order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting
to the publisher.
The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United States and
Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be fought.
The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have furnished
material for this book. He also trusts they will show their good feeling
by purchasing a copy, and that all the unfortunates will speedily
returned to Who's Who.
A1.......... Can open charge
A. B........ Four years hard sentence.
A. M........ When we get up.
Cit......... Common people.
C. O. D..... No credit.
Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and
D. D........ Be careful of your jokes.
Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile.
D. H........ Pull.
D. T........ Delirium tremens.
Ets......... The rest of us.
F. R. A..... Brains.
F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home.
G. O. P..... Hic jacet.
Hon......... Speaker of the occasion.
H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard
Incog....... Prominent men in Paris.
IOU......... Hard luck.
Ire......... Mother of politicians.
LL. D....... American millionaires.
M. P........ Home rule debaters.
Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate.
P. M........ When we go to bed.
R. A........ Any kind of a painter
but a cubist.
Rep......... See G. O. P.
R. I. P..... See following pages.
Sir......... Writers and tea merchants.
U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson.
Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A.
Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress.
Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust.
Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City.
Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark.
Dewey, George E., of U. S. N.
Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico.
Din, Gunga, of Kipling.
Dreyfus, Captain, of France.
Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic.
Gorky, Maxime, of Russia.
Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco.
Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey.
Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London.
Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle.
Huerta, V., General of Mexico.
Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London.
Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A.
Lloyd-George, David, of England.
Manuel, King, of Portugal.
Pankhurst, Mrs., of England.
Patti, Adelina, of Wales.
Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr.
Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia.
Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook."
Shackelton, Earnest, of England.
Shuster, Morgan, of Persia.
Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall.
Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A.
Time, Father, of Everywhere.
Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City.
ADAM(1) (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and
inaugurator of history. Biographers differ
as to his parentage. Born
first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of his childhood. Education:
Self-educated. Entered the gardening and orchard
business when a young
man. Was a strong anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative.
Children, Cain and Abel (see them). Was prosperous
for some years, but
eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful
ambitions. Lost favor of the
proprietor of the garden, and failed in business. A. started a number of
things which have not been perfected. Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation:
Chess, agriculture. Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of
(1) Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that position
out of respect.
ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden with
his parents, and later traveled
with them. Conducted a sheep raising
business. Finally had a row with his brother, and was knocked out in the
ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City,
Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder
of the globe, and control the
pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing markets. Camel and
sheep merchant. Considerable land was willed him. A. prospered. Married
Sarah (last name unknown). Marital infelicity followed, A. having an
affair with Mrs. Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the
family lived happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people.
Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan. Clubs:
ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando Francesco, of the
Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion
of his life taking
of his name, climbing mountains, fighting Turks, and denying rumors
regarding his marriage.
ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a bath, but
forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran
of the siege of Troy.
Died before receiving pension.
AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his childhood
that he was fond of dogs and played with the cat. Later he made animals
his life's study. A. discovered the zoologicalprincipal
that a turtle
can run faster than a rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes.
Publications: Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece.
Clubs: Zoological Societies.
ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a genii with
which he could secure anything an American millionaire
ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect
of the Aldrich Plan, a system
removing the financial
interests of the country from the common people
and placing them in the hands of the few.
ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job.
AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in the year
1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable
journey through the
Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he became an author and lecturer.
Publications: The South Pole. Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the
U. S. Later A. retired
and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more
poles, a few more books.
ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt.
ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever lived. In the
height of a brilliant
she fell in love, and decided
quiet home with a husband and children was more to be desired than the
empty plaudits of the crowd, and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies.
ANGELO, Mike, painter
of no mean ability. Born in Italy,
but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed his talents by
making cartoons of the teachers. These were unappreciated. Moved to
Florence, where he bought some chisels, brushes, and saw his first
model. A. remained a bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a
brilliant church-decorating career. Secured permission
of the Pope to
give an exhibition
in the Vatican. This was finally made permanent.
Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the Medici family, leading
politicians of his time. It is difficult to leave Italy without seeing
much of his work. A. never favored the cubists or post-impressionists.
Recreations: Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome.
ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and could not
forget what he saw.
ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her husband
to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, her humor
terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to eat cake during a
bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated. Ambition: Anything but October
16, 1791. Recreation: Versailles; looking through a grated window.
Address: Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris.
APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his statues,
patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table water named in
his honor. Career: See longer and less respectable
biographies. A. was
the first person to sing to the accompaniment
of a musical
but he was a good singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel,
archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical.
ARC, Joan of, celebrated
French suffragette. Spent girlhood milking cows
and embroidering. When the English ministry
began operations in France
J. dropped her embroidery
in the milk bucket
and began suffragetting.
She did not break windows or blow up anything. Gathered a host of males
about her and captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow,
but again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and burnt
up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid. Recreation: Barn
dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans Suffragette.
ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece.
ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, and
themselves out of the government jails.
ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history with a
bad odor attached to it.
ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign
who manufactured the Round
Table, and did all the things a good English king should do. Little is
known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was crowned in Westminster Abbey, but
without the American contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed
away from the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was
a wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing. Address:
ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in his
country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was also a
favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a successful wing-dipping
expedition against some of his countrymen who held titles to names
and property. Also juggled dynamite
in Parliament (see Lloyd-George).
Ambition: Women without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address:
Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical.
ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated
red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts with nurses
and cooks, spends his time boasting about South Africa and the U. S. A.,
posing for motion
pictures, and exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ
as to his marksmanship, although it is now conceded he can often hit a
man-sized target at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however,
must be clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea.
Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, Kipling,
tricks, May-pole festivities. Ambition:
Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket bath-tubs, and
restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See Emperor William.
ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a preacher. Edited
a huge book which bears his name.
AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered for
crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering somebody, for making
speeches, or building triumphant
arches or ruins.
BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first
appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education:
At home. Career: A series
of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor
sleeper, toy demolisher, throat
exerciser, nurse distractor, and a
general nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an
iron hand--a tear caused a doctor--a smile meant a gold mine. Diet:
Principally liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair
pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother.
saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and
of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a
young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented
the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became
a traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey
everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent
medicines in the United
States, beer in Germany, champagne
in France, absinthe in France,
and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address:
Greece. Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The
Throats Of His Countrymen.
BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare.
BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood
and old age unknown. Formed an ambition
to travel when quite young.
First visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every
path, hired every guide, and did everything a tourist
should so. His
field of travel widened until every country in Europe was visited, as
well as the United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands
he slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every
wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every
ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; mastered every language,
science, art, literature, custom, history, and drew maps and plans
of everything. Publications: Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home.
Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany.
BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces